Tag Archives: needs

Mother and Lover: Finding Sensuality After Children

Two years of marriage and two children under two. You can imagine this has thrown a slight hic up in my husband’s and my sex life. We are parents, which is fantastic, but before that we were lovers. It is easy for my husband to bounce between these two roles however, for me it is considerably more difficult.  I love that women have so many roles in life, but it is harder to act them out than to speak of them. At the end of the day I face the “touched out” syndrome where I feel like a dirty dishrag. I have been nursing, cleaning nasty messes, and changing diapers. All this is explains why I would probably not be in the mood, but it wouldn’t change my husband’s needs.

Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli- some inspiration to channel your inner Venus (Picture is from uffizi.org)

We attended a marriage conference earlier this year where we wrote down our top three needs in marriage. I wrote down stuff like conversation, affection, and spending time together. When I looked over at my husband’s top three needs they all said the same thing- sex, sex, and more sex.

My husband is the most giving and kind man I know. So you can imagine I felt a stab of guilt at this list. Here I was, my needs being met whilst his needs, his only need that makes him feel loved and cared for, was being extremely neglected. Now that I am no longer pregnant, it is time to focus more on one another. These thoughts below have been my game plan to feel more sensual and take care of my husband (and myself.)

1. The kids are in bed by 8:30 p.m. (It may be a totally different time for your family since everyone has a different work schedule) This out of everything we’ve done has been the most helpful. There is an end in sight for my mommy shift and to put on the hat of lover and wife. I know these roles are blended, but each one can only get so much attention that way. It helps to have that complete mental shift.

2. No screens after kids are in bed. This means television, smart phones, laptops ect. These devices can sneak into the bedroom and totally consume your love time! What is so important on facebook or pinterest that we must be browsing after lights out? The answer- nothing. If you need to unwind try to snuggle with your hubby, do some light stretching together, or even read to one another. Whatever is inspiring to physical or verbal communication.

3. Love yourself. That is right. I will only allow myself to be loved as much as I love myself. What woman is ready to be physically adored if she doesn’t adore herself physically? It may sound silly, but when I invest in my appearance it makes me feel better about me. If you can’t buy new clothes, get your hair done, or a massage try to do a small thing. Like a sexy bubble bath. What makes the bubble bath sexy? You! See, don’t you feel good already.

George Marks “Woman Taking Bubble Bath” from Art.com

4. Have a sex game plan. Wow, planning sex, isn’t that not sexy? Not according to “A Sex Starved Marriage” Couples who plan on having sex actually have more sex and feel more in-tuned to one another. My husband and I plan on how many times we have sex during the week and how many times each of us have to be the initiator. This may sound boring, but it makes us have a lot more sex because mentally we already have in planned! Sure spontaneity is encouraged, but when you go from none to some- I can tell you which is preferred.

5. Just do it! I recently watched a fantastic TED talk on the power of body language. The woman speaking mentioned that she would carry herself confidently even if she didn’t feel confidant, and strangely, it often made her a more confidant person. Instead of, “fake it until you make it.” Her motto was “fake it until you become it.” You may not feel like a sex goddess oozing sensuality and pleasure, as I often don’t, but that doesn’t mean you can’t become one! Try to think of yourself in a different light, channel whoever you need to, but tell yourself that you are the sexiest woman alive and you are glamorous no matter size, shape, or style. You got it going on. And before you know it, it won’t be fake anymore. You will be the sexiest woman alive and you will not be just trying to fake a wonderful love life- you will be enjoying your wonderful love life.

These are my not so dirty sex secrets and I hope that today you treat yourself to some sensuality as well as your spouse. Please share your secrets in the comment area to inspire myself, and others for a better love life!

*And though it is commonly thought that women are the only ones who struggle in having a strong sex life it is extremely common in men, but not as talked about. Check out my two favorite books on marriage and sex, “His Needs and Her Needs” and previously mentioned, “A Sex Starved Marriage.”

Click here for “His Needs Her Needs” (you can also find it on Walmart.com) Best book on marriage I’ve found.

Click here for “A Sex Starved Marriage: Boosting your Marriage Libido: A Couple’s Guide” It is very informative and helpful!

Read this!

Read this!

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