Tag Archives: Children

Mother and Lover: Finding Sensuality After Children

Two years of marriage and two children under two. You can imagine this has thrown a slight hic up in my husband’s and my sex life. We are parents, which is fantastic, but before that we were lovers. It is easy for my husband to bounce between these two roles however, for me it is considerably more difficult.  I love that women have so many roles in life, but it is harder to act them out than to speak of them. At the end of the day I face the “touched out” syndrome where I feel like a dirty dishrag. I have been nursing, cleaning nasty messes, and changing diapers. All this is explains why I would probably not be in the mood, but it wouldn’t change my husband’s needs.

Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli- some inspiration to channel your inner Venus (Picture is from uffizi.org)

We attended a marriage conference earlier this year where we wrote down our top three needs in marriage. I wrote down stuff like conversation, affection, and spending time together. When I looked over at my husband’s top three needs they all said the same thing- sex, sex, and more sex.

My husband is the most giving and kind man I know. So you can imagine I felt a stab of guilt at this list. Here I was, my needs being met whilst his needs, his only need that makes him feel loved and cared for, was being extremely neglected. Now that I am no longer pregnant, it is time to focus more on one another. These thoughts below have been my game plan to feel more sensual and take care of my husband (and myself.)

1. The kids are in bed by 8:30 p.m. (It may be a totally different time for your family since everyone has a different work schedule) This out of everything we’ve done has been the most helpful. There is an end in sight for my mommy shift and to put on the hat of lover and wife. I know these roles are blended, but each one can only get so much attention that way. It helps to have that complete mental shift.

2. No screens after kids are in bed. This means television, smart phones, laptops ect. These devices can sneak into the bedroom and totally consume your love time! What is so important on facebook or pinterest that we must be browsing after lights out? The answer- nothing. If you need to unwind try to snuggle with your hubby, do some light stretching together, or even read to one another. Whatever is inspiring to physical or verbal communication.

3. Love yourself. That is right. I will only allow myself to be loved as much as I love myself. What woman is ready to be physically adored if she doesn’t adore herself physically? It may sound silly, but when I invest in my appearance it makes me feel better about me. If you can’t buy new clothes, get your hair done, or a massage try to do a small thing. Like a sexy bubble bath. What makes the bubble bath sexy? You! See, don’t you feel good already.

George Marks “Woman Taking Bubble Bath” from Art.com

4. Have a sex game plan. Wow, planning sex, isn’t that not sexy? Not according to “A Sex Starved Marriage” Couples who plan on having sex actually have more sex and feel more in-tuned to one another. My husband and I plan on how many times we have sex during the week and how many times each of us have to be the initiator. This may sound boring, but it makes us have a lot more sex because mentally we already have in planned! Sure spontaneity is encouraged, but when you go from none to some- I can tell you which is preferred.

5. Just do it! I recently watched a fantastic TED talk on the power of body language. The woman speaking mentioned that she would carry herself confidently even if she didn’t feel confidant, and strangely, it often made her a more confidant person. Instead of, “fake it until you make it.” Her motto was “fake it until you become it.” You may not feel like a sex goddess oozing sensuality and pleasure, as I often don’t, but that doesn’t mean you can’t become one! Try to think of yourself in a different light, channel whoever you need to, but tell yourself that you are the sexiest woman alive and you are glamorous no matter size, shape, or style. You got it going on. And before you know it, it won’t be fake anymore. You will be the sexiest woman alive and you will not be just trying to fake a wonderful love life- you will be enjoying your wonderful love life.

These are my not so dirty sex secrets and I hope that today you treat yourself to some sensuality as well as your spouse. Please share your secrets in the comment area to inspire myself, and others for a better love life!

*And though it is commonly thought that women are the only ones who struggle in having a strong sex life it is extremely common in men, but not as talked about. Check out my two favorite books on marriage and sex, “His Needs and Her Needs” and previously mentioned, “A Sex Starved Marriage.”

Click here for “His Needs Her Needs” (you can also find it on Walmart.com) Best book on marriage I’ve found.

Click here for “A Sex Starved Marriage: Boosting your Marriage Libido: A Couple’s Guide” It is very informative and helpful!

Read this!

Read this!

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Being Fired: Keeping Things in Perspective

I have never been fired- until yesterday.

Recently, I picked up a job as an independent contractor performing dispatch. It was really great. Our friend ran most of the business, I got to stay at home answer the phone, and put in orders. Super easy and since I’m a stay at home mom, no need for daycare. The work was just to make some extra spending money $50-100 a week. Still, to a mom who is very spend-thrifty it seemed to have endless possibilities.

I was shocked when I received a call from my friend’s son, he is very sweet, informing me that his dad was thinking of firing me. His dad was not in the car and didn’t realize his worried son even called. I laughed and told him he was being very kind to think of me, but not to be concerned about it. I quickly went through a list in my head of reasons why I would be fired. Perhaps the company was too small to consistently pay me, or maybe I wasn’t doing a very good job? (I was only trained in 30 minutes.) Surprisingly, when I called my friend, he said, “Yes,” they were going to let me go. But, not for reasons I would have thought. Some clients had complained about the children in the background.

Eowyn, Baby Dee, and Me

After being fired I found myself disheartened, but also bemused by the reasoning. Children have always been a way of life for me. My mother owns 51% of the successful company my parents share together. My mother has five- now grown- children.  When we were younger she was taking a million calls from people and running the business. She did it at home-with five kids (sometimes 6.) I didn’t really think of children as an annoyance or hindrance, but a way of life. She made business and kids somehow work. (Of course she would get frustrated on occasion.)

This being said, I do not blame the business or my friend for letting me go. I honestly understand why they would need someone more professional and available to catch every single call perfectly.

It would appear my children were a drawback in this ares. I do think, however, that children should not be looked as a hindrance to your dreams- financially, spiritually, or physically. It would be easy for me to get upset with my children, not just in this matter, but in others as well. Many parents know what it is like to be denied something or for plans not to work the way we wish because of our kids. I have found myself occasionally thinking about being a journalist, whisking myself away to Europe, or owning a beautiful house and being a little disgruntled with my children. Which is ridiculous! All these dreams and more are still possible whether I have kids or not. In fact, the greatest thing I will ever accomplish in my life is them. If you have had to delay plans or change them because of your kids I encourage you to not grow in bitterness. Children are a blessing of God and when you feel that way, confess it! My children are a blessing to me. I can even say my kids have opened more doors for me than they could possibly ever close. Sometimes I just need the reminder.

Happy Mothering!

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Why I Don’t Call My Children’s Privates by Fake Names

I’ve laughed with other girls as we discussed the names we called our privates growing up: the tink, cookie jar, nucker, pee pee- the list goes on. Those areas of the body were shrouded with mystery when they were hesitantly discussed. My mother would answer questions and give us plenty of reading material. Still, I felt strange about these areas. If I had to discuss my own body I would have felt humiliated and very confused about how. Luckily, being a reader and being supplied with the correct books, I was able to identify that I had a urethra, vagina, and anus. Sadly, there are girls who become adults who are not aware what area does what: Do I urinate from my vagina? Where do I menstruate? Where do I have sex?

What God says about our bodies

The importance of calling privates by the proper name is instrumental to how a person will view their body and perhaps their own sexuality. It may sound silly, but not sillier than telling your child their arm is called a body noodle, or their face the expression platform. Calling things by their proper name isn’t just for the sake of being politically correct. It has much to do with knowledge being power. Knowledge gives a child confidence. For example- If they are lost they are taught to look for a woman with children, or a cop- you establish early that cops are mommy and daddy’s friends. This gives your child a safety net.

When your child’s arm hurts they are able to express that, “My arm is hurt.” This should be the same with their privates, “My penis hurts.” See how giving something the correct name gives them ownership? That is their penis. That is their vagina. (I typically call it the vulva since calling everything the vagina isn’t accurate either.) This ownership means they don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed. Our gender is a huge part of our identity and not something to be embarrassed of. These parts aren’t “unspeakable.” They are a part of their body and as such if they are hurt or someone is making them uncomfortable, they are able to express that.

Telling your child about their body is a process. Many think, the talk is a one-time deal; it isn’t and shouldn’t be. As your child grows so should the discussions. The start should be the correct names for their body parts, or at least saying they are private. Eventually you tell them how their body is theirs; as such no one should be touching their privates. Also, if someone is making them uncomfortable they can talk to you no matter what!

I have known too many children, friends, and family members who have been hurt by predators to not take the safety of children seriously. I don’t teach my children out of fear, but as a preventive measure- not just against predators, but shame as well. I find it sad that too many people think talking about the body or sex to their children is vulgar. Someone is going to tell them and that information will most likely be incorrect and harmful. Most children have an idea of what sex is by the age of five whether you choose to talk or not. Take the initiative. Be the parent. How you discuss or don’t discuss something will dictate how a child will perceive that part of their life even as adults.

Happy Mothering!

The picture is from the store UnchainedBracelets on etsy.com You can actually buy this print! Click on the Link below.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/154933360/psalm-13914-i-am-fearfully-wonderfully?ref=exp_listing

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